Despite attempting to set the record straight, several of my colleagues are under the impression that I am not eternally single as they may have previously assumed and am in fact MARRIED to a realio, trulio man.
This is only a little bit true…
The ‘priest’ was ordained by a Californian chapel via the internet and the ‘marriage’ venue was a beer garden. My good husband and I have only hugged each other about three times EVER, so the chances of the marriage being consummated are about as likely as Prince Harry joining Mensa. Even after explaining this about five times to my astounded contemporaries, they continued to quiz me on the state of my ill-fated union:
GIRL #1: Are you going to get divorced?
ME: No, because I was never ACTUALLY married.
GIRL #2: If you meet a really nice man and you want to get married, will you tell him about your divorce?
ME: No, because it was a bit of spirited tomfoolery between some buddies and NOT, at any point, a real marriage.
GIRL #1: Don’t you think you were a bit young?
ME: Gah!
GIRL #1: What did you wear on your wedding day? Was it in a church?
ME: I sported a rather fetching towel.
GIRL#1: Really?
It is evident that no amount of reasoning will get the message across. The girl who sits next to me at work is marginally deranged and nothing I say or do will change this. I now have to accept the fact that in the eyes of my lovely place of employment, I am a MARRIED PERSON and should be approached with caution. I can see the undiluted fear in their eyes already - they’re terrified that I might bring up the subject of babies, erectile dysfunction or dinner parties. These, as we all know, are the three main phases of a healthy marriage.
I’ve quite enjoyed my years of wedlock. It’s an open relationship and I don’t actually have to talk to or see the other party. If more marriages were like this then perhaps there wouldn’t be such a high divorce rate in this country.
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